Let's Try This Again

As you can see, I deleted the posts that were here.

I'm gonna try this again, a fresh start.

I starting the online journal (I'm NOT a blogger…I'M NOT!) (not that there's anything WRONG with that…) thang a looong time ago and I know there are a handful of you that come here from time to time who have been reading my junk for 5+ years and that is just amazing to me.

I prolly never said/say it enough but thank you for that. All of you.

The thing is, I have always, always been a closed off person. I have learned over the years to be the asker-of-questions and "The Good Listener"so conversations and relationships can be focused away from me and on someone - anyone - else.

That behaviour has played a huge part, I think, in getting me where I am today - in this bad place that I never, ever believed even existed.

It has also fed my online journaling because all the thoughts and feelings I have suppressed for basically my entire life just start spilling out when I start an entry.

I am very much a tangent writer and very prone to start talking about something and OOU it will remind me of something else and there ya go, the thing I started the entry about is hardly discussed.
See, I was going somewhere with that and now I have NO idea where.

As an interesting side note, it also explains, at least in part, why I have such severe control issues - if I can zoom in and focus on the problems and shortcomings of everyone else and get SOO freaking obsessed with the most mundane of details (you don't put eggs in potato salad…you don't drive a single mile over the speed limit….whatever you're doing YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT...you get the point) then it's that much less time I spend dealing with myself.

I've always blamed my mom, at least in part, for my need for control because it was ALWAYS her way or the wrong way and there was no room for discussion and I thought, all this time, that I had just gotten that from her and that was that and it was only very, very recently that it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe she has issues of her own.

It's kinda hard to explain…I always saw her as flawed somewhere in the back of my mind because of the damaging way she treated me when I was growing up but I think now that a large part of me has always seen her as perfect so I must have, on some level, deserved it.

Deep down I resented the very essence of who she was and at the same time I wanted so much to be just like her.

Damn.

It's really staggering how many times I have made little discoveries about myself when writing here…I think 38 years of not acknowledging my emotional needs or usually even the fact that I *have* emotions has caught up to me in a big way.